I am what you would call a “scaredy cat”. I’ve never been into horror movies, I don’t like being frightened, and I’m terrible at slasher games. The biggest issue I have now is dealing with jumpscares, a form of terror featuring loud noises, and something being launched directly at your face. And there is no other series that has taken this signature move and made it their own like Five Nights at Freddy’s. There’s only so much a person can take after a giant animatronic bear has attacked the screen three times in a row. So I ask you, dear reader, which Five Nights at Freddy’s animatronic do you want to punch in the face?   

As much as I want to look at the history of the series, we’ve seen it grow up online. Released in 2014 by Scott Cawthon, the series jumped in popularity after being showcased by multiple content creators. Since then, it has spawned sequels, spinoffs, fan games, books, possible movies, and so much merchandise, Disney is trying to get it’s phone number. Unfortunately, the success is built upon terrifying robots and abusing the fight-or-flight response, so I have to defend myself. By punching robots directly in the face.

There are some complications we have to worry about. For example, the Phantom Animatronics from Five Nights at Freddy’s 3 and the Nightmare Animatronics from Five Nights at Freddy’s 4 are ghosts in the series canon, so there’s nothing to punch. Ghost punching is a completely different article. I’m also going to have to eliminate the side characters, like the Mediocre Melodies and Trash and the Gang. They really didn’t make a big impact on the series, so we’ll only focus on the core group of giant scary robots that deserve getting punched in the face.

That knocked off a handful of choices, but I only have two hands, we have to get rid of a few more. Looking at the roster, I want to drop the original animatronics from Five Nights at Freddy’s, mostly due to their design. A lot of their faces are designed with a lot of curves, almost to a point of being bulbous. You can’t get a really good punch in when a lot of curved metal is deflecting all the hits to the side, resulting in very bruised hands and a robot who gets the last laugh. I also think all of the Sister Location robots are gone. Just because half of them are female, and that would raise some deeper questions. Punching a robot in the face, I completely understand. But punching a female robot in the face? Get some help, man.

But I think I’ve figured out the best choice for the robot that truly deserves to be punched in the face. Toy Freddy from Five Nights at Freddy’s 2. He has a generally flat face with a lot of surface area, which is perfect for straight punches. He has that slightly protruding snout, which is great for hooks and uppercuts. Plus, he has that unending optimism like Barney the Dinosaur, and people cannot stand that crap. Just ask any parent from the early 90s. You would have a line going down the block for a free shot at an endlessly joyful robot.

That would be my choice, but what about you? Does the Puppet need punching? Is Chica gonna catch these hands? Let us know over at the Boss Rush Discord.

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The Boss Rush Podcast

The Boss Rush Podcast is the flagship podcast of Boss Rush Media and The Boss Rush Network. Each week, Corey, LeRon, Stephanie, Edward, and their friends from around the internet come together to talk their week in games, entertainment, and more while also bringing topics for conversation, answer listener and community questions, and cover major news and events happening in the video game industry. Watch The Boss Rush Podcast live on Wednesday Nights on Twitch at 8:30PM ET / 5:30PM PT or on Friday mornings at 7AM ET on YouTube and podcast services everywhere. Thanks for listening! You can also get this episode one week early on Patreon.

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